


On the Rooftop

by olivemartini



Series: Kit's Explorations of the Institutes, With the Help of Ty [5]
Category: Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Romance, Slight trigger warning, Suicidal Thoughts, he's okay I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 13:02:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6520816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olivemartini/pseuds/olivemartini
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's not much left that scares Kit, but seeing Ty standing on the edge of the roof and staring down at the ground below has quickly skipped ahead on his list of terrible things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On the Rooftop

**Author's Note:**

> Ty's really unhappy in this, so if you have any triggers with suicide or self-harm (self-harm isn't in this story, but I think those triggers go hand in hand) please don't read it.

There's not much left that scares Kit, but seeing Ty standing on the edge of the roof and staring down at the ground below has quickly skipped ahead on his list of terrible things.

Kit doesn't say anything as he crosses the rooftop, mostly because he's not sure he would be able to form words if he tried.  Breathing is a little harder than normal right now, and there's a roar of panic in his ears.  Ty's looking down at the ground with an almost longing expression, and every so often he scoots a little further off the edge, up to the point where the toes of his tennis shoes are sticking out in the middle of the air.  In his mind, Kit can pull up the picture of Ty falling, knowing that he wouldn't scream, that he would hold his arms out as he plummeted to the earth like he had wings.  With only his silhouette showing against the glare of the city lights, Ty looks more angelic than human, but Kit knows that even a shadowhunter couldn't survive a fall like that. 

"Ty?

"Kit."   It's a horrible thing to hear, a voice so wary and tired and full of defeat coming from a boy more beautiful than the stars in the sky, but Kit needs him to keep talking. 

"What are you doing on the roof, Ty?"  He's trying to keep his voice calm, to avoid scaring him, to make him feel like stepping off the ledge and coming back to the ground is a safe option, but he can't keep the panic from creeping into his voice. 

There wasn't any answer, just a subtle tilt forward.  It's enough to make Kit want to run forward, but he doesn't trust himself to catch Ty if he falls, and doesn't trust Ty enough to think he wouldn't take that step forward at the slightest provocation.  Ty would come back to him when he wanted to come back, and not a moment sooner. 

"I'm not normal Christopher."  There is steel in Ty's voice, like he's protecting himself against scorn and laughter. His whole body is shaking, like he's bracing for impact, and it takes Kit a minute to realize that Ty is sobbing.  Ty, the boy who sometimes goes out and tracks down demons to clear his head, who continues to best him in every training exercise they do, is crying. The realization terrifies him, and it feels like his blood has turned into ice. 

"You're normal."

"Don't lie to me.  Not you."  Kit knows what he means.  He'd been able to swallow Julian's reassurances that everything is okay, that the Blackthorn's will be his family, that being a shadowhunter was in his blood, but the empty promises would have felt like the worst kind of betrayal coming from Ty.  He didn't know how it happened.  He didn't understand why they trusted each other, why they gravitated towards each other.  It was like Ty was the sun and Kit was a planet caught in his orbit, unable to get away even if he wanted to.  If Ty were to jump, a big part of Kit would jump with him.  "I thought you knew me better than that."

"Just because you aren't what everyone else accepts as normal doesn't mean you aren't exactly who you're supposed to be."

"And who is that, Kit?  A freak?  A spazz?  I can't even make eye contact with anyone but you.  I can't talk to people like I'm supposed to.  I don't know what I was supposed to be, but it wasn't this."  Kit took this to mean a shadowhunter, and he'd never disagreed with something so much.  The venom in Ty's voice was alarming, as was the way he had to force his words out between sobs.   

"Don't call yourself that."

"Everyone else does.  Why is it such a crime to say it about myself?"  Kit had a flash of Ty from when he was little, listening to adults whispering behind his back, going up to the other shadowhunters his age and having his heart break a little more each time they turned him away.  He wanted to pummel each and every one of them, but he knew that even if he kicked and punched until he had nothing left to give, they still wouldn't be feeling even half the pain they gave Ty.

"Come on, Ty.  What brought this on?"

"Livvy keeps asking to be parabatia."

Kit had heard the question asked countless times, and then left the room to get away from the fight that inevitably followed.  He thought that it would be a logical assumption for Ty and Livvy to be partnered together.  They were each other's second half.  They're always together anyways, it would make sense to have it be official.  "Why do you keep saying no, Ty?"  Around them there is the sounds of the cars driving by below, oblivious to the scene unfolding above them.  The wind is whipping around them, and Ty thinks that under different circumstances this would be beautiful- in the dark and under the stars, watching the headlights throw shadows over the ground and the waves crash onto the beach.  "And don't give me that bullshit about becoming part of the scholomance."

"It used to be that.  I thought if I went there, I'd fit in.  I'd be around others, around books, and I wouldn't be expected to be the kind of shadowhunter that fights.  Because there's different ways to fight other than bully downworlders and destroy things.  I don't want to hurt anyone.  But it's not the place, is it?  It's the people."  Kit was only a foot away now, close enough to reach out and tackle him, but the pain in Ty's words held him in place.  "I'd still be me, whether I'm here or in Idris or the Scholomance.  I wouldn't be any happier over there than I am here.  And I want so badly to be happy."

"Then be parabatia with Livvy. Stay with your family.  Just get off the ledge." Kit had started crying too, but he didn't notice.

"Do you know how bad it hurts when your parabatia dies?  It's like having a piece of you ripped away.  You'll miss them forever.  I don't want to hurt her more than I have to.  And I know I'll end up hurting her." 

"That's not what happens with parabatai, that's what happens when you care about someone!  You think she'll feel better about you dying just because you don't have some damn rune claiming you as hers?  You think this won't wreck the rest of your family?  And what about me, Ty?" 

He's beautiful, standing there, which makes it even worse.  There's beauty in the way the wind is pulling at his shirt, and how his fingers are still twitching.   There's beauty in the tears sliding down his cheeks.  Kit normally tries not to see it, but now he does.  "No one wants me to be me.  They want to fix me."

"I want you to be you!"  The words explode out of Kit, tinged with desperation.  "You're not broken, Ty. You don't need fixing.  Who cares what they think of you?  Who cares if they can't see how amazing you are?  I see it!  And you should see it!  You should want to be exactly what you are."

"I don't want to be me."  Ty turns around, and Kit thinks that he's going to walk towards him until he sees the apology in his eyes.  Ty shakes his head and heaves out another sob, taking a step backward.  "I don't want to be anything."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They're in the kitchen, putting iratzes on each other.

_Kit leapt forward, throwing everything he had into the jump, knocking Ty down to the ground and falling on top of him.  Ty cries out, but he can't tell if it's from the pain of the unexpected landing or just the fact that Kit stopped him, but Kit doesn't care.  One of them is bleeding (once the adrenaline fades, he finds out that it's him, all of the skin of his side being torn away from the cement) and both of them are crying.  Ty is fighting against him, trying to get up and run, either off the edge of the building or back to his room, but Kit doesn't let him up._

Their shirts are in the trash can, because neither of them know how to get the blood and dirt out on their own and it would raise awkward question if they asked.  There's a pile of bloody paper towels in the sink, and the contents of a first aid kit dumped onto the counter.  Ty is sitting down on one of the bar stools, still giving a shaky breath every other minute.  When these happen, Kit pauses whatever he's doing for a second, checking to see if he's going to start crying.

_"Let me go!  Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go!"  Kit didn't, not even when Ty started hitting him, over and over and over again, fists raining down on him.  He was pretty sure his bones were breaking (if anyone knew how to do that with just a punch, it would be Ty) but it still didn't hurt as much as the thought of Ty back on that ledge.  "Let me up, let me do it, you won't care, you don't care about me, you'd let me jump if you did, I won't even feel it."  He's fighting and squirming and screaming, but Kit just holds on tighter, trying not to feel like he's the only thing keeping the damn from breaking and the flood to come pouring through.  If that was the case, he wasn't doing a very good job._

"This might sting a little."  Ty doesn't even blink as Kit cleans the blood away from the face.  He's trying to be gentle, and trying to hide the way his hands are shaking. There's something comforting about being able to take care of someone else, but he wishes it didn't have to happen because of something like this.

"I wasn't going to jump, you know."  It was the first words Ty had spoken since they had come down from the roof.  Up until then he had been following Kit's direction without comment, choosing to either stare moodily at the floor or up at the ceiling, looking like he was a thousand miles away.  Kit didn't answer.  He couldn't. 

He didn't realize that he was shaking so bad until Kit put his hand on his fingers, keeping them from trembling.  He was working the washcloth out from his grip, and as he leans forward to stare at Kit, it gets hard to breath again.  This time it's for a much better reason.  "Your turn."

_They've been up here for an hour now, and Ty has finally stopped fighting.  He's curled up in Kit's lap, and Kit knows that neither of them would be caught dead doing this in normal situations, but this is anything but normal.  This is Ty pressing himself against him, head buried in Kit's shoulder like he can hide from what he just tried to do, and Kit's arms around him.  He's holding him much too tightly, but he has to in order to keep the cracked pieces of Ty's heart from shattering completely.  One hand is knotted in Ty's hair and the other is circling in his back, like they're still trying to reassure each other that they're both here, alive and okay and safe, even if they are both causing each other too much pain._

He looks too sad, _Kit thinks, staring down at him._ He's too young to look this sad.  _They're both shaking from the cold now, and he thinks it's started to rain, but it's only that Ty has started to cry again.  "I want to die, Kit."  The confession is mumbled into Kit's neck, whispered into his ear.  Bad things are always told in low voices._

The distance to Ty's room has never looked so far away.  The silence between them is painful, the ache between them palpable until they make it to the door.  Ty hesitates in the doorway, and Kit searches for something to say.  "You're my best friend, Ty."

"Oh."

"I care about you.  A lot."  Kit takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly.  He didn't even cry this much the night his dad died.  "Did you mean it when you said you aren't happy?"

Ty stares at him. He's still holding his arm funny (Kit broke it when he tackled him) and the evidence of tears is still clear on his face, but other than that there's no sign of what happened.  "I haven't been happy in a long time."  Kit visibly flinches at the words, and Ty reaches out to him, grabbing onto his hand.  It's a new thing between them, the casual hand grabbing to convey messages and get the others attention, but neither have mentioned it yet.  "But lately, when I'm with you, it's the closest thing to happy I've felt in a long time.  You almost make me feel normal."

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Ty doesn't know, but after the door closed, Kit didn't go to bed.  He stayed outside the door, waiting just like Ty had done for him so many nights ago.  And when the door opens a few hours later, revealing a Ty with red eyes trying to sneak out again, Kit leads him back to bed and lays down with him.

They don't tell Julian.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know if this should be part of the "exploration of the institute" series, since it has such a different tone than the rest of the stories. They're exploring the roof in this one, obvi.  
> (This wasn't the story I set out to write, sorry it's sad)


End file.
